2.3.3 Listen…

Indeed that was not all. I have temporarily hidden other things from you. Maybe I’m using some mental manipulation techniques which consist in not disclosing everything so that your neocortex does not suddenly wake up. In the previous posts, I’ve shared with you a secret I’ve never shared with anybody so far. The last mystery I want to unveil is the most disturbing one. Of course, there is a large space for subjectivity and interpretation. However, it’s my blog, I do whatever I want. Moreover, I’m warning you.

Firstly, let’s get go and dive into the atmosphere (here). My NDE hadn’t been only a sensation of power, fear and love. It happened also that this…er… incredible thing talked to me. Certainly, it had been scarce with words, but, as far I was concerned, I couldn’t talk much myself. I was paralyzed by fear and surprise. « It » told me three words: « Listen to your heart ». Apparently, it thought that I was stupid because it kept on repeating the words in an endless loop as I was merging with the white circle.

I know, technically, this what you call hearing voices. I fully agree. In all other environment I would do. But here, this was a NDE. I was close to my end and could I dare to say that I was as near as could be from the Mystery of the world. Would you believe it? The mystery of the world spoke perfect French, without accent.

Ok, I want to warn you again. I’m not into trying to convince anyone. What I’m looking for here is to put my ideas in order. Once again, this post will let subjectivity and interpretation express themselves. You have two obvious choices. Either you consider the whole thing as a psychotic break or… something happened. If I consider option 1, this post is of no interest, please move to the next one. The second option allows you to continue reading and follow the path of my subjectivity.

« Listen to you your heart » had been neither a commanding voice nor a content I would absolutely believe in during or after the NDE. Self-esteem had had nothing to do with it. Certainly, the environment was utterly impressing but this was not akin to the amplified expression of the self-esteem that cut you off from the world. I wasn’t part of the world any more anyway. The voice was neutral. You were free to believe it or not. I didn’t choose during episode I, I just set it apart. I didn’t even pay too much attention to it. When the ups was through, I realized how extraordinary the experience was and how these three words would be carved in my brain forever. But, wait a minute, “what” was I told exactly?

You know French is not similar to English in many ways. We French like to be formal. “Your” in “your heart” can be either translated by “ton coeur” or by “votre coeur”. “votre” is very formal and is used when you basically don’t know the person. On the contrary, you would use “ton” when you know the person you’re talking to like a friend or family. I was said “Ecoute (listen) Ton (your) coeur (heart). This implies that the “thing” was not formal and and that it knew me. Was I provided some kind of friendly advice, a general Truth or a moral command? If you were me you would analyse these three words very carefully indeed. The more I construed them, the more they made me perplexed. At that time, I could only consider two levels of interpretations. The first level of interpretation was very literal: I was having a heart attack. Maybe that would make you laugh, but this interpretation has prevailed for a long time. It supposed an information system that gets triggered during critical time of survival. When I thought of it, I didn’t find it satisfying though. I was 22, my heart was in perfect condition and I “woke up” in a perfect shape. From an evolutionary perspective there is no survival gain in any system telling you: “Great, you’re dying and there’s nothing you can do about it”.

The second interpretation was the more obvious one: a moral injunction. It was far from me so it reinforced the exteriority of the piece of advice. I thought it was something like “be generous, help people…” It sounded the more likely option but it was the less satisfying for me. So this is it? This “thing” had come and buggered me just to keep singing the same moral songs, the ones sung by of the cohorts of tired priests during their endless mass. Hey, I was just a young, cynical and still ambitious student. Don’t even think to try that with me! Upfront, there was such a disappointing discrepancy between this extraordinary experience and the semantic content of the voice that I denied it. So the interpretative mystery lived on. In any cases, everything had been done to carve the words in my brain. The words were at least consistent with the experience. I didn’t hear “eat at Joe’s”.

Something was worth noting: the « thing » told me I had a heart. That’s not bad. What on earth would that mean to not listen to it? The “thing” should have drawn a picture, or design some explaining slides with two or three bullet points. You know what; I think that the “thing” has some communication problems. This really felt too cryptic to be turned into action.

If this communication did not happen, I would have thought of a natural phenomenon; for short a non-personal thing. This is truly annoying for a non-believer like me. Would that mean that there is a god after all? In my manic state, I’m not subject to voices. Certainly, I’ve had delusions but I always heard my thought inside my head. I did not see no little grey men, no angels and no entities whatsoever. Only this impressing white circle like a tunnel.

I would lie if I’d say to you this was all about a conversion. Let’s say that something crossed my mind; something I hadn’t considered before and the only sensible to do was to start thinking about it like a possibility. I must lay the emphasis on the idea that from then on, I understood religion. I understood that a guy could get down a mountain with 10 commandments (I recognize the imperative style) and impress people. The “thing” was more elaborative then. It was clearer and more directive than with me. I’m jealous.

Well, all in all, I did not understand much. From the perspective of the “thing”, I guess I was an under achiever. Not only was I a fearful coward with a chicken head, but I was so stupid I could not understand what I was told. God speaks many languages. Its native language is Life. For those who are patient enough to read this living language, there’s always a time when clarity replaces mystery.

Robbie Williams / Feel
I sit and talk to God
And he just laughs at my plans
My head speaks a language
I don’t understand

.

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