I write and write so much so that I forget the topic of this blog: me. True, I oscillate between essay and blog. But I have no alternative because my true nature is to fluctuate. Therefore I have to put my ideas in order, to freeze them. I’m nearly forty, statistically mid-life. I need to analyse my current situation and to explore all these pages that were turned under a sometimes violent wind, always unpredictable. I’m going to focus on a particular page which was never really turned. I like this kind of page because I’m attracted to what I don’t understand. People like what they understand. Everything is in order, no alarm and no surprises: sort of middle aged mental world. We bipolars are pins which are periodically crashed by a heavy sphere. What we are is all what we can oppose. This resilience, that we must learn to survive, enables us to put the pins back in the upright position, waiting for the next game. We straw piles could we see the wind?
Before tackling the answer, I must address the relationship we all have vis-à-vis this specific human phenomenon: religion. If an inquisitor pushed me to answer the question as to the strength of my faith, I would disappoint him and I would say to him that my relationship with god must be complex enough, to such an extent that I cannot answer the question. Intellectually, to me, god is more a hope than a faith. I hope that these billions days of suffering and happiness have a sense. I hope in god. I’m afraid it is all I can say. It’s all I could say until 1994. I thought that God was an idea that someone came up with to make the people shut up, to submit them to the benefit of a parasite group. I thought that Jesus was a sort of Santa Claus for adult and I had been taken for ride once! Faith was surrounded by suspicion and mistrust. The only question worth considering was how the religion emerged in the human hearts. It was no obsession. However I always wondered why people believed in irrational, unproved or invisible thing which dated back to times nobody possessed an IPhone. My hope goes to god; my faith drives me to worship Pythagoras, Kepler, Einstein or Darwin. Theirs words will always live because they can be discussed, amended or changed. Science is surely my religion because it links me to Truth, dispels lies and quenches my thirst for understanding the beauty of the world. However Science was of no help where I went during this summer of 1994. I was never told about this world and if science says that it does not exist, I would just say that science does not know everything.
Let’s get back to my first episode. I didn’t tell you all about it. After this famous hypnopompic wake up, I called the firemen who drove me to the Versailles Hospital (The hospital, not the Palace. Did you know that there were living forms, streets, restaurants around the palace?). I was very high at this stage, I wasn’t realizing anything because at that time, there was nothing known to realize. The volcano was not eruptive yet. The medics did not realize I was as up as heaven. They gave me some totally harmless meds like magnesium. Shortly after having been medicated, something really strange happened, something really extraordinary (here for the general feeling). All of a sudden, a starry vault where the stars don’t scintillate. White dots lost in a large obscurity. All is quiet, I don’t think. As far as I can remember, I can’t see anything related to my body. In the upper left corner, I see a high concentration of white dots that are forming a white albeit not perfect circle. Right at this moment, I sense that something extremely powerful has taken up the lead on the operations. How can I describe what I feel? All I can feel is something extraordinarily powerful. I don’t want (and can’t) elaborate too much on this because generations of sports journalist have used adjectives in a way that they have no impact any more nowadays. I feel that the white circle vacuums me. This can be deducted from the moves of the white dot around me. A close comparison would be the millennium falcon of star wars when hyperdrive is on.
Suddenly, I grasped through a neither thought nor verbalized intuition that if I went on vacuumed like this, it would mean the end of my life: I was seeing myself dying. I was scared beyond recognition. This emotion demonstrated somehow that I was still here. It was neither a dream nor a nightmare. Fear and terror could not be expressed through a scream because what needed a body was irrelevant. I could not escape. You need legs to flee. I wasn’t thinking about it anyway. I was only fear. I was reduced to this simple emotion. Suddenly (again), my attention got attracted by something white, can’t really remember exactly what. My “brain” told me the word “love” and a feeling of intense, powerful, beyond-word love added itself to fear. It was no sissy love. It was terrible, pure and unconditional, just inhuman. As I was closing in to the white circle, a kind of star wars was getting more and more intense. Eventually, colorful and white spots started to whirl like in a vortex and reality came back to me, abruptly. The violence of the transition was startling. Reality replaced chaos and I found myself back in my hospital room. My father was just popping in. My back was standing in its upright position. It was no wake up, it wasn’t the morning. I never sleep during the day.
I will always remembered the dialog with my father after the “wake up”:
“Me : What’s going on ?
Him (obviously worried): Nothing, maybe it’s because you’re an adult now”.
Well, I was 22. It was high time for me to be an adult. He did not know what happened and would never know. So do have mystic crisis here? I don’t think so. If the concept of reality does not contain all what you see, you need to extend it. To be continued…
Eurythmics / There Must Be an Angel (Playing with My Heart)
No one on earth could feel like this
I´m thrown and overblown with bliss
There must be an angel
Playing with my heart
I walk into an empty room
And suddenly my heart goes boom
It´s an orchestra of angels/../
I must be hallucinating
Watching angels celebrating
Could this be reactivation?
All my senses dislocating
This must be a strange deception
By celestial intervention
Leaving me the recollection
Of your heavenly connection
AC/DC / Thunderstruck
I looked round and I knew there was no turning back
My mind raced and I thought what could I do
And I knew there was no help, no help from you
Sound of the drums beating in my heart
The thunder of guns tore me apart
you’ve been thunderstruck